Monster Mash-Up Poll Number 3: which literary character would you least like to have dinner with?

With Shakespeare's Iago and William Blake's Urizen tied in third, and George R Martin's Joffrey beaten into second place, yesterday's poll revealed that monstrosity's human face belongs to - Dolores Umbridge!!!!!

Today's poll asks that all-important question: which literary character would you least like to have dinner with? Have a look at the nominations and then make your choice (and remember, if you're reading this on your phone, you need to go to the web version to vote).

Hannibal Lecter

from The Silence of the Lambs by Thomas Harris

Serial killer and psychopath, who commits thirty murders over four novels. Extremely volatile, kills people for fun, and clinically insane. Plus a cannibal - so you'd end up being eaten. Obviously.

Hamlet

from Hamlet by William Shakespeare

He could be great company if he was bothered, but he’d likely come dressed in black, be incredibly rude to everyone else and spend most of the evening talking about his mother.

The Hungry Caterpillar

from The Very Hungry Caterpillar by Eric Carle

I wouldn't like to have dinner with the Hungry Caterpillar for several reasons. Firstly, you wouldn't be able to have a conversation, as he cannot speak. Secondly, his manners would be bad, as he would struggle to pick up the cutlery as he has no hands. Lastly, he would eat everything put in front of him, which would make the meal very expensive. And if you ran out of food, he might end up eating you.

Voldemort

from the Harry Potter series by J K Rowling

I would least like to eat dinner with Voldemort, because he hasn't got a nose, and I feel like having dinner with him would be very unappetising. Plus, he is very evil, and tries to kill Harry Potter many times. And he killed his father.

Titus Andronicus

from Titus Andronicus by William Shakespeare

Because he’d serve you your children to eat.

Sherlock Holmes

from the novels and stories of Arthur Conan Doyle

He would be condescending and undermining, and his intelligence would be intimidating. Plus, have you looked in his fridge???

The Fool

from King Lear by William Shakespeare

Lovely as he is, the Fool would spend the entire time mocking you and criticising how you'd divided your kingdom: what a way to kill the ambience! Goes to bed at noon, so something of a party pooper all round.

Kurtz
from Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad

Kurtz would definitely be a terrible character to have dinner with, because it would take ages to get there and I don’t imagine the food would be up to much.

Smaug

from The Hobbit by JR R Tolkien

The character that I would least like to have dinner with would have to be Smaug. He is a wealthy dragon, but not very friendly, and he has very bad breath. He is also large and greedy, so he would probably eat everything. And he's also very malicious, so not good company either.

Pierson's Puppeteers

from Ringworld by Larry Niven

The puppeteers are afraid of anything and everything, so they'd be unlikely to use cutlery, or sit on a chair (they night fall off). Their repeated over-reactions would make it difficult to eat, and the meal would have a lot of stopping and starting. Their conversation could be tedious if it strayed onto the topic of precautions (eg the dangers of walking on pavements because of uneven cobblestones). Plus, they breed and manipulate other sentient races: if they admitted to killing the person who might have married your parent, to make sure you got different genes, dinnertime chat could become very awkward.

The Hollows

from Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children by Random Riggs

The Hollows were once humans, but after a failed scientific experiment, they became monsters (invisible to the human eye). The only way they can turn back into humans is by eating the eyes of 'peculiar' children, but they'd also eat normal children's eyes if they're desperate. I'd become the dinner if I had dinner with a hollow!

Captain Hook

from Peter Pan by JM Barrie

Because he’s not very nice and his table manners might be poor.   

Medusa

Medusa has snakes on her head instead of hair: and if you look at her, you turn to stone - so she'd make a terrible dinner guest.

Vogons

from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams

These are vile creatures, ugly and bad-tempered, and the third worst poets in the galaxy: usually some of the audience dies during their poetry performances. They stopped evolving millions of years ago, and have used plastic surgery to normalise their appearance, which means they're gruesome and covered in horrific scars, so you wouldn't even be able to look at them. And their language is a shrieking, ear-splitting cry, so you wouldn't enjoy the conversation either.

The Child Catcher

from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang by Ian Fleming

Because I'm a child and he might catch me. Obviously.

The Oracle

from Mostly Harmless by Douglas Adams

I would least want to have dinner with the oracle because she lives in a damp and reeking cave, and eats a stew made of rotting goat-like things. Having dinner with her would be a thoroughly unpleasant experience

Jefferson Hope

from A Study in Scarlet by Arthur Conan Doyle

Jefferson Hope is a villain who picks up people and forces them to choose between two pills - one harmless, one fatal: not a guest you'd trust at your dinner table.

The Trademaster 

from The Giver Quartet by Lois Lowry

He is a manipulative character who knows how to get anything he wants from anyone. He prays on the selfishness of humans. By the end of dinner, you would have traded your soul for more food.

Shrek

from Shrek! by William Steig

There are many reasons to turn down a dinner invitation from a green ogre: vile menu choices, horrible location (swamp), outrageous eating style and less than welcoming persona. 

So, time to vote, and discover which one of these charmers' invitations is most likely to get a 'no thank you' RSVP from SPS readers ...

Many thanks to Miss McLaren, Sam Marston, Karan Lalwani, Dr Hudson, Robert Brewer, Monty Brown, Joseph Leventis, Calvin Leung, Mr Hager, Rikhil Javeri, Ed Hueffer, and many, many others.